Saturday 31 October 2009

The Thirty First of October Two Thousand And Nine

In year 5, Mrs Carolyn Delaney, my beyond-wise teacher, was fond of using the phrase, "This is the first day of the rest of your life." I can't say I understood that very well at all at the time - it was kind of just like - duh.


Since then I've figured out a bit better what it ACTUALLY means and have made so many goddam resolutions I feel like a United Nations sub-committee. I never stick to any of them, of course. (Whether that makes me more or less like the UN is up to you to decide.) I mean I know lots of people make resolutions they don't stick to but I think for me it's become almost addictive - making lists and writing up pledges that fall by the wayside faster than I can say.

 
I think it's become particularly acute in the last - I think the last year. Because the volume of list-and-resolution output hasn't diminished - in fact I think it's probably increased - yet I don't feel I'm getting any more done, or getting what I do get done done any faster or better or easier or more pleasantly.

 
Consequently I find myself in the position of a small domesticated rodent, running around on one of those wheels to get the cheese, devising new and interesting ways to get the cheese, and never actually getting the cheese - probably because I get distracted by shiny things outside my little cage thingy.

 
So, here are some things that need fixing in my life currently:

 

 

 
  1. My finances. I wasn't raised by people with good money habits. (Sorry, guys, it's true.) I have spent a year spending beyond my means and now I have bills coming out of my ears and not quite enough income to support them and the occaisonally indulgent lifestyle I've come to regard as normal.
  2. My academic life. I recently turned in assignment over four weeks late. You cannot know how much shame it causes me to admit that in "public". Last year I won an academic prize. It was $500 and got me a nice dress, some new saucepans and a sense of validation for choosing university over the audition circuit. This year, I doubt my lecturers would know who I am because I never fucking well go to class. Ps may make degrees, but they certainly don't make me proud or happy.
  3. My health. The first victim of my financial situation, I've gone from someone who ate salad every night, danced, ran, swam and yogaed occaisonally to someone who might eat a vegetable once a week and lifts her heartrate only to catch a bus. I can barely touch my toes any more and pointing them brings on cramps. Walking up the stairs from the STC to the Rocks brings on a stitch. My hair splits, my nails crack and let's not even talk about my skin. I rarely get the requisite eight hours sleep a night and I think this feeds directly into...
  4. My general organisation. My life spews Stuff. Clothes, stationery, food that sits in my fridge without ever being eaten, unpaid bills, unreturned calls, unfinished assignments and all the while my facebook status updates proliferate at alarming rates. I have to-do lists that go on for pages, full of tasks that should have been completed months ago. I have a pile of dirty washing as tall as I am and a wardrobe full of clothes I don't want to wear. I can never find my keys, my shoes or a bobby pin when I need one but I can barely see the floor of my room half the time. I cannot tell you how often I buy an item - coffee, cheese, blutak - only to get home and discover we already have some. It's flustering. I'm flustering. I think that leads to...
  5. My general disposition. I have a tendency towards - well, you can call it bitching, whining, whinging, complaing, venting, sharing or whatever the hell else you like, but I like to call it "toxically sucking the beauty out of everyday life." Every time someone asks me how I am, it's instantly, "Oh my god I am so busy/tired/stressed." You'll find that if you do this often enough, by the time real busy-ness/exhaustion/stress settles in, everyone around you is less interested in hearing about it - which of course only compounds the situation. I think it's brought on by my...
  6. Lack of, for want of a better phrase, spiritual life. I have no desire to find God - I am a rather confirmed atheist and I plan to stay that way. But I have always resented the monopoly that the religious have on good deeds, kindess, generosity, calm, forebearance, and a multitude of other nice things. I want to be a person who is fun, reliable, intelligent, helpful, resilient and able to stand still for five minutes without freaking out about it - as distinct from being stuck for an entire year, which is kind of how I feel.

 
Until very recently, I had a poster, still in its orginal tubing, sitting next to my bed. It was a twentieth birthday present from my boyfriend, who is probably the loveliest person ever. I hadn't unpacked it because I was waiting to get it mounted so as to ensure it didn't get destroyed by blutak and the ferocious winds that sometimes whip through my bedroom. Why did it take me so long to do something that was clearly of benefit to myself?

 
I turned 21 last week and I can't say that I'm particularly impressed with the person I've been for the last odd year. She's gotten more and more selfish, self absorbed, lazy, uninteresting and unmotivated. Once upon a time, I think I was none of these things and now somehow I am.

 
Yet despite this, I still have a wonderful boyfriend and wonderful friends and a wonderful family that let me come over and eat their food and use their washing machine whenever I like even though I rarely visit for any other reason. I'm beginign to get a bit worried I don't deserve all this love. Actually, I've been worried about that for a little while.

 

But today I am actually going to do something about it.

 

I think my problem has been attempting too much, too soon and not doing enough of it often enough. I mean you can't just put "Be Nicer" or "Be More Organised" or "Have More Money" on your to-do list and expect it to happen. No. Things need to be broken down into manageable, bite-sized chunks, and if we are to be good people then we must be good people every day, not once a month when we have the time.

 

I've been posted silly little bits and pieces and ideas on blogs for a little while now but I thought I would engage in the practise of full disclosure (or as full as is reasonable given there are other people's feelings involved) for this, Project Fix Bec. I'm going to try and do something every day that moves me closer to where I want to be. I know it all sounds very New Age And Nonsense but it's better than not doing anything at all and if believing that there's someone out there keeping an eye on me, maybe it has a better chance of succeeding.
 
So here is what I am going to do, just for today:

 
  1. I am going to write these embarassingly overdue Performance Studies tutorial assignments and email them to my tutor.
  2. I am going to go Mum and Dad's house and eat a salad and converse with my family for a bit.
  3. I am going to go to a party this evening where I will ask other people about their lives.

 
There's lots more in my life that needs doing - the dishes, for one thing. But I think that's about as much as I can handle for today, and if I can get that much done it will be more than I've done in a long time.

 

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You see, the thing is, I have a lot of thoughts. I think I have more thoughts than the average person. And while you are getting a highly censored version of my thoughts here, I feel like I at least want my trivial musings to have some sort of semi permanent area, where, if necessary, I can return to and admire my own wit and wisdom.